Shark Bite, Bear Attack, and Children under Five

Because nothing without GIGANTIC teeth and FEARSOME strength compares to those little bundles of joy.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

And to think of how much money went into Guantanamo Bay...

....when really, they could have just utilized the natural water-boarding (is that how it's spelled? Clearly this is not my area of expertise) instinct of babies, who would have done it for free. Or at least for pieces of cantaloupe and a few choice items of Tupperware to toss around.

The Context: The usual bath time ritual- rubber duckies, organic baby soap, with a side of parent abuse (Note that this is parent abuse, not parentAL abuse. Like abuse of the elderly, as opposed to elders who abuse. Except it's the  abuse of the not so elderly by the extremely not elderly, as in those who are still in diapers and have yet to walk).

 For Owen, bath time is always one of the high lights of the day, and he loves the water to such an extent that Mal's claim of being 100% Italian has become somewhat suspect. Like, there is clearly either some merman or some sort of fish on his side of the family tree, an accusation which varies depending on which seems funnier to my strange sense of humor more at the time. 

Usually, he just splashes around and attempts to eat his various bath toys, while occasionally marching to the side of the tub and demanding that Mal lift him out so that he can be put back in. Which becomes exhausting and usually results in everything becoming very wet. Today, however, I had the brilliant idea to distract him from his quest to turn on the hot water faucet by blowing bubbles in the water. And it worked...oh yes, it worked. He giggled gleefully, as babies do when they find yet another way to laugh at the ridiculousness of their parents. This soon evolved into him yanking on a large chunk of my hair whenever he decided that it was time for bubbles to be blown, while simultaneously lunging at the side of my face with a wide open mouth that would rival that of any hippo.

And, as the saying goes, it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Or rather, it's all fun and games until a baby clamps his two (okay, so two isn't really a lot of teeth when compared to a grizzly bear, or a great white. I think the key to their devastation is the enthusiasm. I mean, when was the last you saw a shark grinning madly while chomping on a seal, clearly thinking,"goddamn it's good to be a cold blooded, mindless eating machine!" Naw, sharks are all about professionalism. Y'know, they get that shit done, no messing around, there be shit to eat) teeth onto the cartilage of your ear. Now, I've actually always wanted to get my cartilage pierced, but preferably not by any method involving teeth, regardless of the specific number of teeth. This was the point when it began to feel like not only had I just been water-boarded by a 2 and a half foot baby, but he had also totally kicked my ass. Or punctured my ear. Same thing. And strangely enough, this hippo-ninja-shark attack meant only one thing: LOVE. 

Which totally segues into another story. Well, actually not that well. But his kick-assness does contribute to Mal and I's combined parental reaction. 

The Situation: Several weeks ago, I went on Facebook to discover that I had been sent a message by a random person whom I had never spoken to before. I was vaguely sure that he was an underclassman at my school, and as such, I was slightly confused and apprehensive. In retrospect, this reaction was not only appropriate, but also completely lacking in my future-predicting skills. The message said, and I quote,

"im going to eat your baby, skank" (while it pains me to leave out the proper grammatical touches, this is after all a direct quote.)

Also, if the culprit is reading this, a) congrats on being at least semi-literate, and b) YOUR GRAMMAR SUCKS. c) when trying to be threatening, do not use a near direct quote from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Because my reaction to this was laughter, although I did come around to realizing how creepy such a statement really was. I mean, come on, when has cannibalism ever been condoned in American society? Also, here is a quick Q&A-

Q: Who threatens to eat an infant?
A: A COMPLETE DOUCHEBAG. See also- individual completely lacking in any form of human decency.

With that said, apart from feeling mildly disturbed, this did not really bother me, due mostly to the fact that it made me think of that episode of It's Always Sunny, and because Owen would totally own the creep with his two adorable chompers of doom. (but really, come near my baby and I will go Uma Thurman circa Kill Bill on your ass).  Which about sums this up, although the boy who sent said message had actually been hacked. So the culprit of this grammatically incorrect and completely bizarre message remains at large...hopefully not threatening any other infants with consumption. Creep.

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