Shark Bite, Bear Attack, and Children under Five

Because nothing without GIGANTIC teeth and FEARSOME strength compares to those little bundles of joy.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Because Nothing Could be More Badass...

So, I was looking at the searches people enter which result in them arriving at my blog, and I have to admit, I feel slightly less epic than "a picture of a bear attacking a shark". Like, a lot, lot, lot less epic. But, on the bright side, unlike one unfortunate Google user who entered the search "structure of a shark's lungs", I am aware that sharks do not in fact have lungs. It's in the gills, people. Which leads to the main problem in the whole shark vs. bear thing- bears=lungs, not aquatic, Sharks=gills, aquatic mofos. So really, the only way to remedy this problem and find peace is to mix the species, ala Hyperbole and a Half.

Moving on, however...

I am pretty sure Owen is like a miniature, baby version of Lord Voldemort. Now, I realize this may seem like a stretch, but hear me out...

The Situation: Bath time, once again. Recently, Mal came into the possession of a large number of rubber ducks. Which may sound strange when phrased in such a mysterious way...JUST rubber ducks, not the heroin filled kind. Do people do that to smuggle drugs? I feel like they could/would/should. Not that I actually know anything about heroin or smuggling illegal substances. AHEM. Anyway, Owen absolutely loves them, but I recently discovered that the paint on them is slowly coming off, which seems a little unhealthy. Hence, the plagued ducks have been sent to the outer regions of Siberia, aka the windowsill right by the edge of the tub.

Until recently, Owen was too short to reach them, however, he has now taken to standing at the edge of the tub, sucking in his chubby belly as much as he possibly can, and straining to reach the isolated ducks. While doing this, he makes commanding baby sounds and gesticulates wildly. As he gets taller and gains more reach, he has slowly begun acquiring greater numbers of said ducks. See the parallel? If not, then voila-

The Alternate Reality: Owen, the all-powerful baby warlord, has begun marshaling his forces of evil Duck Eaters, preparing to take over the world. As his power grows, he is able to convince more and more of the common duck civilians to rise to his cause- baby nudity, and the abolition of diapers. As a few ducks linger on the edge of battle, Baby O spits his baby tyrant game- "ungee ungg ungg gee!" translation: "the hour is near! Join my Duck Eaters, and together we will achieve ultimate power and bottom freedom!" "wait, rubber ducks don't wear diapers?Psh! It's the spirit of the thing! Now join me!" *gesticulates wildly while straining to reach ducks*

While he plays the part of a peaceful leader (this is the coy, "oh hello, my ducky friends, I come in peace!" face), the following shows him to be a ruthless totalitarian- (so a mix of Stalin and Voldemort, with some rubber duck massacre thrown in). 
I would like to note that as an avid Harry Potter fan, I do in fact realize that Lord Voldemort was not in fact fighting for the right to 24/7 nudity. In fact, he is probably a never nude. Because what else would he wear other than flowing black robes? Okay, I will stop rambling now. Right now. Ta Ta.


  1. I think you need to go rubber duck shopping. Find some that weren't made in China (which is a tall order... but my suspicions are that the ones you have WERE made there...) and let little Lord V have his duckies.

    I'm trying to remember how I found your blog. It's only been a couple weeks, and I added it to my reader after reading only one post. Because I love your attitude.

    I have attitude, too, but it took me many years to develop it. Wish I'd had it when I was younger.

    Ah well.

  2. I think they were (Mal insists they aren't, but I think that's just because telling him they're poisonous insults his hunter/gatherer man instincts), it's ridiculous how hard it is to find ones that seem safe! I finally got him some rubber frogs because they didn't have the little outfits painted on them...hmmm, maybe the baby tyrant has the right idea, nudity!