Shark Bite, Bear Attack, and Children under Five

Because nothing without GIGANTIC teeth and FEARSOME strength compares to those little bundles of joy.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

A Little Less Stepford, A Lot More Towanda

Advertising update- the readers of my blog are now apparently interested in "regain[ing] bladder control", and "apache camels". I will admit that I have no idea what an apache camel is, but the proximity of the two ads leads me to believe that they are either the culprits of this serious case of incontinence, or are perhaps in fact experts on teaching others to avoid the social faux pas of pissing oneself. Which, however embarrassing, is at least more polite than pissing on someone else. But I digress.

Hello. My name is Harold, and I am here to stop you from pissing on yourself.

Back in my junior year of high school, the teacher gave us an excerpt from a high school home economics text book from the 1950's. Naturally, we all found it hilarious, if deeply and disturbingly sexist. Pre-baby, all the ideas put forth in the excerpt seemed absurd, but without actually being in said situations, it was hard to truly judge exactly how big of a douche the person who wrote it was, and exactly how far in their intestine their head was located. Well, I now know...Shockingly, it would appear the individual's head realized it was in the wrong place, and attempted to circumnavigate and regain its rightful place upon his or her neck. Unfortunately, it appears to have become hopelessly lodged somewhere in the region of the author's stomach. Its ascent into the throat was probably hindered due to a severe case of brainwashing and ego (or, if the author was male, a deep desire TO brainwash).

Now that everything has become (somewhat painfully) clear, allow me to translate from "bullshit-i-have-serious-reality-issues" to "forrealz, dog"

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time.

This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

In reality:

1.Do not have dinner ready, because you have spent the last 12 or so hours (not counting all the sleep you weren't getting) providing nourishment, entertainment, cleaning service, moral support, grooming service, etc, to a small and helpless creature, all while being exposed to a slew of bodily fluids. All of which makes your desire to put food on the table nonexistent. Unless maybe it's poisoned... 

This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are deeply concerned with the lack of baby poop in his life. Most men have the luxury of a lunch hour while at work, whereas you have been frantically shoving crackers in your mouth while simultaneously guarding against the ingestion of various flora, fauna, and varieties of plastic on the part of your offspring. 

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.
He has just been with a lot of work- weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Hello Darling. I locked the children in the basement so that I could polish all the kitchen items. See? SHHINNEYYY.

The reality: Consider preparing yourself, but then realize that you don't actually have a basement to lock the baby in while you take a 15 minute rest.   Also consider touching up your make-up, before realizing that you haven't worn any in weeks, but hope that he will be so distracted by the gigantic, single dread-lock that appears to be sprouting from your head to notice. NOTE: tying ribbon around said dread-lock will only serve to exacerbate the issue.
Hubby has just been with a lot of people who are probably relatively interesting, and know how to talk, walk, and use the toilet, whereas you have been neurotically baby talking and singing nursery rhymes. Attempt to form cohesive sentences. Fail miserably. Repeat. 

3. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes.
They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

The reality: Attempt to wash the babies hands and face. Discover that baby teeth are rather pointy. Do not even attempt changing clothes, because a) it will result in WW3, and b) the baby would probably spit up all over himself just to spite you. Do attempt to draw attention to baby's cuteness in the hopes that it will work as a preventative measure against paternal dismay when baby catapults his mashed peas on to daddy's shoes.

4. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

The reality: Make a mental note to install a soundproofed room in the basement. Make note that you will also need to install a basement as well. Do not eliminate the noise of washers, dryers, etc. because they were never on in the first place, which is why you are currently wearing hubbies old clothes which even he realizes are tragically unfashionable/ugly/anti-christ of clothing, hence their cleanliness.  Do not encourage the baby to be quiet- babies do not understand the rules of law and order, only chaos. Attempt to look happy to see him, so as not to reveal that the second he lets his guard down you intend to spring the baby on him, and then lock yourself in the bedroom with several pillows and enough food to sustain you for at least 48 hours.

5. Things to avoid: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner.
Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

The reality: Allow him his moment of manly complaints (he sat there all day, his arms were unhindered by a 25 lb baby, he actually had conversations with someone other than himself...). Then, lay down the smack down about your day, and all the gory details. Note: If he's late for dinner, presuming dinner was actually made, violence is not only suggested, but perfectly appropriate.

6. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

The reality: If he should suggest that he lean back in a comfortable chair or lie down in the bedroom, tell him that that is perfectly fine. Provided that he wants to get stabbed. Probably more than once. The drink/soothing, low voice combo need only be used in the case of an attempted poisoning. Just remember not to go too far with the innocent act- arranging the pillow is a sure-fire way to tip him off that his mint julep has a dash of arsenic. 

7. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

The Reality: Listen to him. Because there is no cute way to say that the rising action of the day consisted of the baby spitting up in your hair.

8. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The reality: Make the evening his, if only in terms of the fact that he is the only one conscious that it is in fact evening, because if your plan has succeeded, you are now passed out in bed, protected by a sturdy, locked door. If your plan did not succeed, thoroughly complain that he does not take you out to dinner. If he tries to soothe you with logic, insist that he would take you if you weren't so fat/covered in baby food and other more sinister substances/clearly ready to stab him in the face. 

Oh, so that's your excuse? You wont take me to dinner because I look like I'm plotting your demise?

DISCLAIMER: Some liberties were taken in the creation of this helpful translation-

1. I do not believe I have ever cooked Mal dinner. I believe that my time is better spent attempting to prevent him from cooking, and eating chicken Ramen.
2. I don't want to stab/poison/choose a method of homicide/ Mal. Usually. 
3. Even if we had a basement, I would never put Owen in it. 
4. It is blatantly contradictory that men demand that women do their laundry, and yet do not want to hear the evidence. If anyone wants to come do my laundry, I will savor the sweet sounds of clean socks.


  1. Loved this. :)
    Passing it on to some friends.

  2. Great post! Funny as hell, and yes, Ami sent me.