Shark Bite, Bear Attack, and Children under Five

Because nothing without GIGANTIC teeth and FEARSOME strength compares to those little bundles of joy.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Oh, The Irony

Okay, totally not on the topic of this post, but I find it extremely ironic that the ads on my page consist of- "Ask a Harassment Lawyer!" and, "Find Your Ex's Secrets", followed by something about "stalking lawyers"? Maybe so that after you hire a lawyer to stalk your ex, you can be prepared for said ex to contact another lawyer due to your creepy harassment? I think my favorite ads, though, were the ones which advertised a data base of recent prison releases, and various websites selling survival gear... Apparently that's the image I give off. Hmmm. I'm not sure if I should feel like Rambo, or just feel creepy. Or is that the same thing?

AHEM. The moment you've all (all 8 or so) been waiting for-
 CAMEL SEX, and how it can change YOUR life.

The Situation: Recently, while on a walk with Mal, the subject of camels came up...I think in relation to Owen demanding that he be released from his stroller, resulting in Mal carrying him up the hill, complaining about feeling like a camel? Sounds likely, anyway. From there we went on to discussing what we knew about camels-

Anna- I think I learned everything I know about camels from Alladin.
Mal- And that would be? (Also, Mal, never underestimate Disney. Bitch.)
Anna-...They spit?
Mal- *insert dialogue concerning manly knowledge, and deep rooted pride in achieving superior camel mastery*...Also, I remember reading that they have been specially bred for so long that they can no longer breed in the wild, the shepherds have to help them.
Anna- Wow. So the shepherds are like sex therapists?
Mal- Yep. Y'know, moral support, positioning advice...
Anna- I guess a lot can be said for selective breeding...I mean, do you see any pregnant teenage camels? Nu uh. Camels got class...helped by a disability of sorts. But still!
Mal- Seriously. If it was just harder for humans to reproduce, then you wouldn't have people like us!
Anna- Well, I guess it was okay just this once.I mean, the whole procreation deal. Especially since we promise to never do it again. Hmmm. So now all humankind needs to do is figure out how to become completely sexually inept! Then overpopulation and all this stuff would be in the bag.

Of course, we never actually discussed how this could be accomplished. Also, just really quick, I think everyone should imagine really campy movie flash backs when the dialogue comes in...Like the whole blurry wavey screen fading into the past? Maybe some bad sound effects, too. And I demand to be wearing Vera Wang. Not that I really I know anything whatsoever about designer gowns, but I feel like it's what a fancy person would request.

Now, back to business. I have concluded that the process would require several steps, beginning with, but certainly not limited to,

1.) The new law that all individuals past the age of ten be forced to wear jeggings. Because no one in real life can wear them without feeling reminiscent of childhood. You know, the age at which your parents buy you totally ridiculous looking leggings, and you wear them because you don't know any better, and you have no access to quick cash. Or a large fire.

2) At this point, we will need to steal a page from A Clockwork Orange- upon reaching puberty, all individuals will be forced to watch Twilight. Which will force everyone to simultaneously think of large, strangely sparkly bloodsucking creatures whenever they consider anything non-platonic.

3) Naturally, this will not work for a certain percent of the population. See- tweens and Stephanie Meyer. This leads to step three- viciously spread the rumor that all vampires have ebola. Force those who do not know what ebola is, to read that one really freaky book about the people who got it and turned into gigantic bags of icky blood and virusyness. If that wont stop vampire fetishists, I don't know what will.

4) At this point, sexuality should be running pretty low. Just in case, individuals who do begin to engage in risque behavior without acquiring a permit first will be strategically attacked by Sacha Baron Cohen, ala Borat. Who will be wearing a fruit hat, and some form of spandex. That should nip things right in the bud.

PROBLEM SOLVED. Now, why I am not in a position of power again?

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