Shark Bite, Bear Attack, and Children under Five

Because nothing without GIGANTIC teeth and FEARSOME strength compares to those little bundles of joy.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Sensitivity with a Side of Snark

Okay, so I have a fabulous post involving camels and a fool proof solution to unplanned pregnancies (and no, it involves neither bestiality or Rosie O'Donnell) in the works, but my usual attitude and sarcasm seems to be taking a day off. Instead, my emotional radar is tilted towards the sensitive side...odd. But I suppose even my innate need to view things strangely/sarcastically/neurotically can go on vacation.

While I did not create this blog with the intention of rehashing dramatic occurrences or going on some sort of internet-revenge-rampage, there are some events which do, unfortunately, effect my present. So, to summarize-

1. Anna apparently does something bad (so bad, it would seem, that the offendees are unable even to say what it was...I'm sure due to the intense trauma).
2. Offendees (so, so not a word, but I'm rolling with it) are SO deeply offended that when they latch onto the information of Mal and I's onward march towards parenthood, they find it necessary to begin circulating said rumor. With a vengeance.
3. Vicious rumors, instead of soothing their "mean girl" complexes, leads them instead to driving repeatedly past my house, and then stalking Mal and I to Safeway. (Also, should one of the said persons be reading this, I would really like to know exactly what you were hoping to see. Because I'm sure it wasn't Mal and I repeatedly trying to rent a movie from one of those neat little movie boxes they have now, before finally realizing that you needed a credit card to do so. Bummer. If we had any decency, we would have tried to be more interesting to stalk- you know, a drug deal here, maybe some risque public sex there, a few gangs fights, the usual. My sincere apologies. )
4. Most likely due to our supreme blandness while they were stalking us, they decided it would be necessary to come in the dark of the night and leave rude notes and silly string all over my car (I almost wish I had kept them, the one that had a picture of what I believe was the future baby to be was charming...the chest hair really added a nice touch. Although, I think these girls may have been confusing infants with large, hairy middle aged men. Actually, I am about 99.99% sure that they are confusing babies with Will Farrell. And I really do not want to know what Freud would say about that. 
5. Apparently this pinnacle of righteous harassment was so satisfying that they have been able to continue living while only continuing to spread rumors. Troupers, I tell you, troupers.

Okay, synopsis complete. Now, on to the sensitivity.

While I was never really that bothered by the car incident, and I have yet to encounter a single person who actually believed any of their nonsense, you do end up with a little bit of a persecution complex. Which, because I very rarely see any of these unpleasant individuals, does not pop up too often. With the exception of recently, when I realized that an accomplice of the offendees goes to the same gym as I do. As any female knows (and males, don't try to comprehend. Really.), I had a few simultaneous thoughts, such as "no, no, no, this is MY gym, asshat", followed by, "will I go out to the parking lot to discover that my tires have been slashed?", and the final realization, "oh shit. What if she, or any of the other unmentionables are in the locker room?"

Naturally, I remained fixated on the last thought for quite some time. While I am not horribly fixated on my appearance, changing clothes+people who really hate me= slightly neurotic behavior, to say the least. Luckily the locker room was safe. But, this leads to conversations like this-

Anna- I really hope we do end up moving, that way I wouldn't have to feel so paranoid whenever one of those..people..happen to come within 50 feet of me. Like, it's not that it makes me sad or anything, I just feel so angry.
Mal- *clearly under the impression that all women are insane because they do not instantly engage in fist fights instead of developing emotional complexes*...I know, sweetie. Just try to be happy.
Anna- I am happy, I just feel mad that I never did anything back, y'know? I never went and spray painted their cars with horrid slurs or profanity.
Mal- Chuck Palahnuik said that the best revenge was to live a happy life. (in manspeak- ahhh, emotions, crap, what do I say? hmm, happiness, happy good...add some Chuck...presto)
Anna- Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do. The only problem is that it feels like it should be how things are in movies- like I should be super hot and be able to shoot laser beams or something. Except I don't, and I'm not that hot...
Mal-You're a strong mama, and you're beautiful. The end. (nothing like passing out and gently beginning to snore to win an argument.)

All snark aside, I am the luckiest girl in the world.

and I promise many, many camels to make up for this post. Like this one!

If you should happen to BE a camel, you will be incredibly happy to know that you're sex life will soon be divulged! Yup, soon, you will be able to look to my blog as a sort of camel Cosmopolitan (which, along with quizzes about how to tell if the camel of your dreams likes your make up, is probably all you could possibly need in life).


  1. "...add some Chuck...presto." From now on I'm going to try to use this in conversation whenever possible.

    Seriously though, I think that actually is really good advice. You have a lot more going for you than most people your age, whereas stalkers are pathetic, so... I think you win by default.

  2. Sounds like Mal's a pretty smart guy and pretty much a keeper ;-) As for the mean girls as much as we would all love to do some wonderfully inventive paybacks on them all. Living a great life to the best of our abilities and being successful really is the best revenge. I'm 31 now and I've seen some of the mean girls from my teen years. Believe me a happy healthy successful life is the best revenge I could ask for. These chicks look like life rode them real hard and threw them in a dark corner still wet.

  3. Chuck Palahnuik is possibly not the best author to go to for life advice, but that was a gem.
    I love your blog and I'm totally stoked for the Camel Cosmo post.
    Also: The Will Ferell/Freud bit caused a five minute bout of laughter, despite the involvement of biotchy behavior on the part of some biotches.

  4. I think the weirdest thing about the whole affair was that they somehow thought we'd be good candidates for stalkage...As a general rule, I would say pregnant couples have to be the least exciting people possible. Okay, actually, it was also extremely weird that they also left a note that said "it's a boy!". Like, I guess to point out exactly how hard they were stalking? It just came off as strangely congratulatory.